3 Ways to Understand Intimacy

Intimacy — as Esther Perel defines it “into-me-see” — is an exciting concept.

The concept of intimacy is very personal and like any other possessions, we all define intimacy through our own fantasies and ideas. Some define it as physical touch and sexual pleasure; some describe it as mind match and understanding. For some, it is just the presence of the other person.

Intimacy is a vital strength of a healthy relationship and exists in both romantic and non-romantic relationships. It forms the foundation to build trust and valuable connections.

Society tends to create a system, that defines whether or not as well as how we define certain aspects of our lifestyle. Ironically, when we push a little harder and dive deep into individual relationships, we see a world full of an enigma. In this place, a generalization of any concept is a null hypothesis.

Hence, it is time we need to avoid normalizing intimacy and accept it as the person desires.


Each of us has our desires and expectations from a relationship.

We expect younger ones to respect the elders; our life partner loves us and shows affection in a particular way, and each of us has a varying degree of intimacy with our parents and siblings.

However, let aside the judgment of any sort, I wonder how relationships can thrive when conveying our message for “intimacy.”

Does it make it easy to find the love we desire? OR Does it create a bit more discomfort to be comfortably wording our intimacy and expectations?

Although we might often be aware of the differences, we tend to remain behind the closed doors of set rules and definitions. We try to follow and normalize the relationship.

We might have become technologically savvy and fancy in our ways of dwelling, yet, when it comes to the topic of love and intimacy, I still find myself, as well as others, to play around.

We try to show how much we follow society’s norms, and we are “so good, and our minds are not wild.” We sneak out and pursue various physical pursuits through the backyard, and yet, we can never look eye to eye and ask for exactly what I want.

We are still not convinced and secured enough to say how we feel for each other, my love language, and how I understand intimacy.

Intimacy is beautiful if we try to understand.


Photo by Lamont Thompson on Pexels.com

How can we understand the intimacy of the others?

Being open to new experiences help us to learn and know what exactly we want from relationships. We do not have to accept the ways, but it gives us the perspective to think.

Invariably it was hard for me until recently, and I started having conversations about how relationships differ and may become complicated with expectations.

#1 Intimacy of being aroused sexually

It involves our desire to be touched in a certain way, at certain positions and specific times.

Not everyone likes hugs, yet they may like it when done appropriately.

Many of us want to be touched more than usual, and some of us do not at all.

We have our secret fantasies while making out, and some of us like to be submissive, and some the opposite. Some want to do it with lights-on OR enjoy the steamy intimacy in the dark.

Some of us are sexual in our minds; we see and uniquely observe everything; however, that does not always mean we are psychopaths. Some of us have a shallow sexual desire, yet; we do like to be touched in specific ways and at certain times.

Some of us want to start a relationship by getting to know each other’s bodies and feel the naked touch. For some, sex comes later, and we do not rely on physical intimacy to value the relationship alone.

#2 Intimacy with words and acknowledgment

Words play an essential role in our life. That’s the source of communication for most of us, yet nowadays, verbal conversations are getting limited since people feel too comfortable behind the screens. So, texts are the form we rely on these days.

Knowing the vocabulary and tone becomes extremely necessary in scenarios where we are always on the phone/email.

Nevertheless, in person, too, it is invariably required to understand our tone and how others might perceive it.

Intimacy through words is one of the most romantic outcomes one can expect.

We write poems, use words with sounds that touch our hearts and mind. Verbalizing the feelings and saying things mesmerizes some people.

Some of us rely on words of affirmation and acknowledgment of the efforts we put into our relationships. Verbs influence our mind; we read, we write, and we become the change.

The voice of the person we love or admire hits the right spot in our minds and emotions.

Because it is also one of the most challenging tasks to articulate feelings and emotions, words become a significant source of both the creation and destruction of relationships.

#3 Intimacy with the presence and absence of beings

Romantic or non-romantic relationships can be built long-distance or just being pen-pals. At different stages in our life, we are distant apart from our loved ones.

The presence and absence of a person can trigger intimacy that thrives on missing and being missed by the person.

Many of us like to remain independent and enjoy solitude. However, it does not mean we do not want to pursue and maintain relationships. We miss our loved ones as much as an extrovert and socially engaged person might do.

Distance helps us to maintain our relationship and our intimacy with the other person. We like the space to help keep happiness as well as balanced attractions.

The presence of our loved ones, via letters, in-person, or electronically, can trigger an adrenaline rush in our gut. We get goosebumps just by thinking of the person. And we love it when it happens!

We understand that wherever he/she is, they still love us and hope for our best.

We need not have to stay with that person 24×7, yet some may require the other person to be as close to us as possible.

Some of us want to know that maybe that person cannot be with me forever; however, knowing the presence is all we need.

The presence of loved ones makes us smile and keep us happy. Just the thought of missing someone gives the feeling of importance and being important to someone.


When we meet someone precious, we get attracted to multiple qualities of that person. Even within family and relatives, each of us is individual with different perceptions and desires in life.

Knowing intimacy can allow us to understand how far the relationship will survive and what one can do to remain with that person.

Love is beautiful, and intimacy is remarkable when we embrace it well.

5 thoughts on “3 Ways to Understand Intimacy

  1. This is a wonderful post. In my 76 years of life, I have had lasting relationships. My first wife died from idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis 2 weeks before our 37th anniversary. One door closed, but another one opened. I remarried and we celebrated our 17th anniversary in September. Intimacy to me is what works best for both of us. Thank you for following my blog and for sharing your thoughts and feelings. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s